I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize