i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize