I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
