Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
birth control should be required to get into college
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
