Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
it was like eating out sand paper
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
