Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
