booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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