the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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