Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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