what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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