Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
