i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
