you're like a bully in the Christmas story
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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