omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
