My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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