sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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