sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
