for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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