i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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