I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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