just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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