tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
