Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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