Umm I'm too high to move.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
