you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
