I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
