I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
