I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize