I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
