its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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