there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
