Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
