I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
