I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
