Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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