I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
