I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize