haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
