I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
