so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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