Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
