Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
