I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
