If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need water and some morals
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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