But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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