I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
