The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
