dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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