Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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