Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
