I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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