Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Congratulations! We have a period
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
