This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize