I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
two words...techno handjob
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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