i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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