My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
