i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
