go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
