This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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